Ask any number of university graduates what saved their degree and you’re bound to hear the same things trotted out. Indeed, from ’The bank of mum and dad’ to coffee and all-nighters, there are more than a few tried and tested tricks to make sure you survive higher education and have something to hand in when deadline day rolls around. There is, however, one thing more important than all of these things put together when it comes to earning your degree. I’m talking, of course, about ‘the perfect hangover cure’.
As a somewhat naive fresher, I was convinced that the perfect hangover cure didn’t exist; that such a remedy was more elusive than the answers to my exams and twice as precious as the Holy Grail. Unwilling to forego the activities which led to such a painful condition, I’d resigned myself to stumbling into one 9AM lecture after another in much the same state that Lily Allen visits her local Waitrose each Sunday morning. This pattern of behaviour ultimately asserted itself until the end of the year until a friend of a friend convinced me he had developed the perfect hangover cure, and that I should, to use an appropriate pun, give it a shot.
Whilst plenty of supposedly perfect hangover cures begin with a glass of water and a breath of fresh air, those in the know will tell you that a flat white was all but invented for students surviving on less than four hours sleep. Available in both straightforward and pretentious forms depending on your coffee shop preferences, downing one of these is vital to the entire process.
Sufficiently caffeinated, the next step involves settling the stomach with something which has the added advantage of eliminating any remaining taste of alcohol you may be experiencing. Again, scientists who have never spent time calling their exes at four in the morning whilst chugging cheap vodka will tell you that fruit is a sensible choice if you’re hungover. Though this might be healthier in the long-run, what’s really needed at this juncture is some confectionary to get the day started, and a cinnamon pretzel is just the thing.
With the physical demands met, it’s now time to handle the psychological repercussions of a night spent God only knows where. Much more difficult to shake than the sweats, feelings of impending death and bankruptcy can only be avoided by replacing them with feel-good vibes. I’m not talking about switching on Heart.fm, but a good ten minutes watching videos of celebrities embarrassing themselves on Youtube- personally I recommend compilations of Paris Hilton saying grossly offensive things to foreign dignitaries.
Having faithfully followed all of these steps, you’ll now be in a fit state to blag your way through a seminar and have your arm twisted to do it all over again by the time it gets dark. Don’t believe the doubters, the perfect hangover most certainly exists.